I'm in a Fight, Not Physical...

Wow! A year has past since my last post! I knew it had been a while, but WHAT A YEAR!!! We did loose our sweet baby January 25, 2012. But January 2, 2013, God blessed us with precious William Jacob! At 10 pounds and breech, believe me, he made quite an entrance to the world. (Thank you Jesus for c-sections!)

So, of course, after 2 pregnancies in the the past 14 months, those creeping pounds have found their way back on my hips (and thighs...and belly....etc). My battle is starting over. I reached my goal weight in 2011. I was running several miles a day and eating great. But the weight found is way back. I thought loosing something would make it disappear. I know if I loose something in my car, it's gone forever...why not weight???
Now, here I go again, working on loosing the weight I have packed on. I can't blame anyone but myself. I am the one who gave up healthy eating for pleasures of junk. (Did I mention I love candy? and chips? and Mexican food?)

This morning I began again. I hit the pavement. It felt awesome to run again. No, I didn't run the whole route but I tried. I had a total of 2.6 miles this morning.That was walking and running. As I listened to my i-pod, I heard a song that is very familiar to me. The first line says "I'm in a fight, not physical. I'm in a war, but not with this world." I gotta tell you, I began to have worship right on the street! I was reminded of this blog and words I'd posted in the past. My "fight" is with food and my weight, but it's not a physical battle. For me, my battle with food is a spiritual battle. Just as Paul spoke of a "thorn in his flesh", junk food battles are a thorn in mine.

No matter what your "thorn" may be, it is a spiritual battle to fight each day. But the song continues (and for me, this was when my worship got good):
     
Joy unspeakable that won't go away
And just enough strength
To live for today
So I never have to worry
What tomorrow will bring
'Cause my faith is on solid rock
I am counting on God

CHORUS
I am counting on
I am counting on God

BRIDGE
The miracle of Christ in me
Is the mystery that sets me free
I'm nothing like I used to be
Open up your eyes you'll see

I love the bridge! "I'm nothing like I used to be". I want to see that change and be "nothing like I used to be". Not just physically but mentally and spiritually. I know when I run and need God's strength for my spiritual battles, I am drawn closer to Him. 

I am grateful for those who encourage one another in the journey. I have had so much encouragement from a special group of bloggers, The Middle Sisters. They blog on being in the "middle" of journeys. Their blog has really encouraged me, especially when they blog on their "reduction challenge". Thank you, Middle Sisters! (BTW, if you haven't checked them out or liked them on Facebook, you need to!www.middleplaces.com and www.middleplaces.com/challenge/)

Next challenge for me: a half-marathon maybe?

...To be continued...

Hugging My Hurts or Making an Offering?

There is so much running through my head: decisions to be prayed over and made, healing to be done and new beginnings.

My life has been through quite a roller coaster since my last blog. I have to admit at first I did not blog because I was not reaching my goals. Then I didn’t blog because I was not running due to the life growing inside me. But now I return to blogging due to the loss and healing that needs to take place.

I lost that precious tiny life. I will not forget that ultrasound picture. I knew there was a problem. This once active baby was not moving. Then there was silence. Nothing. No heartbeat. How could this be? At me prior visit the doctor told me there was a 90% success rate for a great pregnancy. I was now in that 10%. A loss. Miscarriage.

I had friends who had experienced this. It’s one of those things that you never understand the hurt until you are there. We have grieved over our precious tiny one that we will never hold this side of heaven.

Our children are learning how to cope with hurt. They are seeing that mom and dad have good days and bad days. They have seen tears and heard words that can pierce hearts. I am so grateful and appreciative and even overwhelmed by those who have journeyed with us to teach our children about God and His love for us. Those who serve at our church and in our children’s school that teach them about God have been such a blessing. Their work is coming to fruition.  Both our kids are understanding that even though right now, they don’t have a brother or sister growing in mom’s belly, they DO have a brother or sister waiting for us all in heaven. He or she just beat us all there to get a head start praising the Savior FOREVER.

I have had the opportunity to hear some awesome sermons and teaching from the Word recently. A dear nurse gave Matt and I a cd of a Metro Atlanta pastor sharing about, what he called God’s interruptions. I also was able to hear a lady on a nationally syndicated radio speak of trusting God when the unthinkable happens. Both speakers reminded me that my Savior does love me and is holding me up during this time. Without Him, I don’t know what I would do.

That precious lady that was telling her story on the radio made many statements that I wrote down. But one stood out to me and keeps replaying in my mind. She said she heard Pastor Richard Exley say “We can hug our hurts and make a shrine out of our sorrows or we can offer them to God as a sacrifice of praise. The choice is ours.”

So here I am. It was not my choice to lose our baby. But what I do with the route God has placed me on IS my choice. I am NOT superwoman. I am NOT pushing this into the back of my mind. By no means do I declare myself healed. Even just this morning, songs that played on my i-pod brought me to a sobbing mess. But I lifted my hands and offered my sobs as a sacrifice.

Our life as a family will continue. We will grow stronger in our faith and learn to cherish one another more through this loss. My time with my Heavenly Father has become so precious to me. As my pastor said just yesterday, if my relationship with the Father is not right, my relationships with my family, friends, and even strangers will not be right. Matt and I have grown as a couple. I depend and rely on the strength of my husband and I hope he does on me. I have looked into the eyes of my children and cherished their cuddle time and hugs.

And I realized that the offering of my body as a living sacrifice means so much more too. I was not giving my best to God. I had become lazy and indifferent to my health. So here I go again, looking in the mirror at the “sacrifice” I’m offering to God. Where does He want me to go? What does He want me to do? Am I giving Him my best?

My daughter has been wanting to run a race like mom for a while now. Our church has a 5K/10K annually to raise money for missions.  They include a 1 mile “fun run”. So Saturday, she and I did the 1 mile. Boy, am I out of shape! It was tough and she beat me hands down. As she ran ahead of me, she would glance back over her shoulder to make sure I was close by. I would give her a quick thumbs up to let her know that I was there and she would continue on. It reminded me that through the pain and the trials, when I felt like I couldn’t take a step or get up off the couch, God was giving me a “thumbs up”, reminding me He has been with me. He used His Word, pastors and speakers, dear friends and family. He has wrapped His arms around me, just like I did my little girl when I crossed the finish line to meet her. I pray that He is as proud of me as I complete the race He’s set before me, as I was of her in completing her race. 

I have posted a link to the song God used this morning to remind me of who HE is and who I am:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdzve-iE2JA&feature=fvsr

SEVEN

What does seven mean? It the Bible, seven is the “perfect number”. It is the day of rest. It is used many times in the book of Revelation. Seven times seven is how many times I must forgive my enemies.

When asked to pick a number, seven or a number using seven (like 47) is often chosen.  For us, it is also the number of days in a week. For me, at least this week, seven is my goal.

Since beginning this journey, I have had lots of ups and downs. (The sugar thing has not gone so well). I, as I have mentioned before, have been on a weight loss roller coaster for most of my life. Last spring, I reached my weight loss goal. Not my “ULTIMATE” goal but my weight loss goal; a goal where I realized I look good and I feel good. I know weight fluctuates and many things can cause that: high salt intake, stress, time of the month. I take into account that in a given month, my weight can fluctuate around 3-5 pounds due to these things. That doesn’t mean that I go crazy when I step on the scale and I’m up a pound or 2. I just take that fluctuation into consideration and watch my salt, take note of the date, etc. But since reaching my goal, I have noticed a “gentle” increase in the fluctuation of 7 pounds. Slowly, the number has gone up from my “goal weight” by about 7 pounds. So that is my next goal, to loose these “creepy” 7 pounds.

I am focusing on 7. Today is day 2 of 7 days straight of running. I have not run more than 5 days in a week. I want to run 7 just to see if I can do it. I am really watching my food intake for 7 days. But I am also trying to focus more on prayer these 7 days.

When I run, I have a crazy list of songs on my i-pod. I think some people might think I was schizophrenic if they heard it. But it’s just what keeps me motivated. I have made a new playlist of praise and worship music to motivate me. What can be more motivating then to hear of God’s love for me or to sing of my love for Him?

So I am focusing on 7. What number can be better? 

A Young Me

Me and my sister Renee, Christmas 1977-ish

I’ve often had the thought. “Boy, if I knew then what I know now, then….”  What would be different? What would change? We all have stages of life we have to go through, adolescence being the worse, in my opinion, but if I really DID know then what I know now, would I be more insecure?  Or would I realize that what those other kids thought about me really didn’t matter?

A while back, I ran into a girl would not have given me 5 minutes of her time in high school, but we chatted in the aisle in Target like old friends. As a teenager, I never felt “good enough” to be her friend and here we were, discussing the woes of raising kids, jobs, and Just being grownups. It was nice to realize that some (though not all) people grow up.

So what WOULD I tell my younger self?

God is constant and never changing: Through the good times and the bad, My Father is with me and loves me so. Even though I may change, He will NEVER change.

           Take care of yourself: I was not the super-skinny girl who could eat anything. I have struggled with weight issues for most of my life.  If I had been told to take care of my body, I don’t think I would currently be re-learning health and nutrition. 

           

            Exercise can be fun: I have never been active but I am learning new and fun ways to get out there and have fun while exercising. PE was always the worst part of my day, especially when it was time for the Presidential Fitness Test. The thought of running that mile made me sick for days prior. But I’ve learned the importance of caring for HIS temple.  

      Friends will change: As a kid, I always thought my “inner circle” would be there every step of the way. It was just over 3 years ago that I was crying out to God that I was lonely. He since has given me a beautiful group of ladies that I can encourage and that encourage me and I am so thankful.

Me and some FABULOUS ladies on a night out

Of course, my younger self would never listen to me now. I am reminded of the scene in Back to the Future 2 when “old Biff” brings “young Biff” the Sports’ Almanac to start gambling and cheat his way to riches. Young Biff just saw him as a creepy old man. But I DO have an opportunity to teach these things to my children. It’s part of breaking that cycle. It is what will cause change in the lives of my children. This is how I began these 4 with them:

    

            God is constant and never changing: Unfortunately, my kids saw firsthand, the heartbreak of loss and pain of tragic death in our family last year. However, it has also shown them the there is nothing to rely on but God Himself. He is our comfort and our Guide.

My nephew Jacob, KIA 2010, Afghanistan

   

           Take care of yourself: This summer we began very simply with water between meals and 1 snack in the morning and 1 in the afternoon. It was not easy at first but now my kids ASK to drink water instead of sugar-filled juices.

             Exercise can be fun: By example, my kids are seeing that. When I participate in a race, my husband brings them to see me cross the finish line. They see the crowd and hear people cheer one another on. They love being a part of it. My daughter has asked me if “one day” she can run a race with me. That just fills my heart!  Also, they are both signed up for soccer. They cannot wait to put on those cleats and run up and down the field. 

            Friends will change: this on is harder and will probably take a lot of heartbreak, but even with school starting and being in different classes, they are learning this. But, as I have learned, I am teaching them that we, as a family will always be there for each other. God gives us the relationships we need for every stage of life.

So Father, help me to continue to teach them who You are and who they can be in You. Help me to reflect You in all I do as a mom.

Goodbye My Dear Friend…

I have a confession (which this blog will be full of, in case you didn’t get that in the title). I rarely miss an episode of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. 

Dr Drew in "group" on Celebrity Rehab

I’m not sure if it’s the intrigue of seeing obscure celebrities at their worst or the medical rehab of a fellow human being…. Ok, I know. It’s seeing celebrities at their worst. It can be like watching a train wreck. I just can’t take my eyes off watching a former TV child star deal with their addiction to drugs or a reality star confess their issues with alcohol since they won their million on Survivor.

In this last season, upon “graduating” from rehab, Dr. Drew had each of the “celebrities” (and I use that word lightly because I had to Google several of them…I’d never HEARD of them) write a letter to their “addiction”. After reading it to the group, Dr. Drew had them go to a fire place and burn the letter. I began to wonder, what would my letter say to my “addiction”? That’s when I decided to write the following letter:

My dear friend,

I don’t remember our first meeting, but I do recall our last. I don’t remember how long we have known one another, but I do recall your presence at each birthday, my wedding, and even my children’s birthdays. You found your way to each holiday, every special event, even times when I was alone. You were there. I invited you to share in my ups and downs.

Now, dear friend, I must bid you farewell. I am not sure if it will be for a lifetime or just for a season. As I looked in the mirror today, I saw signs of you everywhere. You have made such an impression on me, becoming a part of me. But I am changing. And my first change will be to say goodbye. Oh, I still love you, but I must turn from you.

So farewell, dear sweet sugar. My tea will not be the same without but hopefully, my belly will not miss you. Find a new home. We may see one another again when I learn to love you in moderation. Until that time, I must say so long.

Goodbye dear chocolate...

So Father, it is only with Your strength can I accomplish this. I am weak but You are strong. Your Word says in Proverbs 16:3 "Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." So I commit to You to cleanse Your temple of sweets. Help me to succeed to bring glory to You. Amen.

My Routine

My day today began as most: with my alarm going off at 5:10 am. And me quickly calculating that is not really 5:10am but rather 5 am. I, like many people, set my alarm clock 10 minutes fast. I always have. When I was younger I set it that way so I could sleep later....Not really sure what I thought I was accomplishing as I hit the snooze every 5 minutes. But, now it is just habit.

But this morning, as I was saying, began at...we'll say 5 am to be honest (and that is what I plan to be). By 5:15, I was out the door with my i-pod, some Kirk Franklin and Third Day and the stars to light my run. That's right, run. For anyone who's known me more than a minute, knows that I don't run...at least I didn't run until this past February. For a reason I am still not sure why, I decided that I was going to run 3-5K races before I turned 35 (get it...3-5Ks...35). Anyway, I started running. And as many told me, it stuck. An addiction you could say, probably one of my better vices.  And I like it. I like the feeling of accomplishment, the energy and the way my body has change. After years of damage that I have caused to "the temple" in which my Father dwells, I pray that the changes I have been making are cleaning it out. Just as King Joash did.

I teach 4 year olds at our church. This Sunday, we heard the story of King Joash restoring the temple after years of destruction by the people. It was broken, dirty and abandoned. I was reminded of our bodies being the temple of God. If we know Him as our Savior, Jesus dwells within us. As my blog is titled, I am a junk food mom. I love nothing more than to sit down with a bag of chips and follow it by a carton of ice cream with candy on the side. So for the past 25 years of my Christian walk, I have been filling "the temple" with junk and tearing it down with poor habits. Many people don't think of food as being a spiritual thing, but for me it is. I have looked to food rather than my Father for comfort in hard times and celebration in the good. I have used it to bring me "happiness" when I could of had amazing joy. And I am seeing the same things starting to happen in my kids. I would much rather them see me cross the finish line of a race rather than stuff it with a banana split. So now it begins...

I am learning that the "thorn in my flesh" that Paul wrote about is as different for each of us as are personalities. So my confession is that I am a Junk Food Mom...who is learning to break the cycle. I love my kids; I love my husband; but I adore my God. And I am learning that whatever is controlling me is taking His place in my life. So I begin a journey to allow Him to control me, to guide me, to be my comfort and my joy, to learn food is for nutrition and NOT love, and to teach my children how to care for the temple of God. I pray that through blogging this journey, ups and downs, highs and lows, that I will have accountability and maybe encourage others but most of all to bring Him glory as He guides me through. 

Thank you Jesus for loving me with all my mess ups and mistakes. I pray Father that You be glorified in all I do. Help me to cleanse Your temple so other can see Your reflection in me. Amen.

Oh, and I have completed all 3-5Ks with 4 months to spare :)