There is so much running through my head: decisions to be prayed over and made, healing to be done and new beginnings.
My life has been through quite a roller coaster since my last blog. I have to admit at first I did not blog because I was not reaching my goals. Then I didn’t blog because I was not running due to the life growing inside me. But now I return to blogging due to the loss and healing that needs to take place.
I lost that precious tiny life. I will not forget that ultrasound picture. I knew there was a problem. This once active baby was not moving. Then there was silence. Nothing. No heartbeat. How could this be? At me prior visit the doctor told me there was a 90% success rate for a great pregnancy. I was now in that 10%. A loss. Miscarriage.
I had friends who had experienced this. It’s one of those things that you never understand the hurt until you are there. We have grieved over our precious tiny one that we will never hold this side of heaven.
Our children are learning how to cope with hurt. They are seeing that mom and dad have good days and bad days. They have seen tears and heard words that can pierce hearts. I am so grateful and appreciative and even overwhelmed by those who have journeyed with us to teach our children about God and His love for us. Those who serve at our church and in our children’s school that teach them about God have been such a blessing. Their work is coming to fruition. Both our kids are understanding that even though right now, they don’t have a brother or sister growing in mom’s belly, they DO have a brother or sister waiting for us all in heaven. He or she just beat us all there to get a head start praising the Savior FOREVER.
I have had the opportunity to hear some awesome sermons and teaching from the Word recently. A dear nurse gave Matt and I a cd of a Metro Atlanta pastor sharing about, what he called God’s interruptions. I also was able to hear a lady on a nationally syndicated radio speak of trusting God when the unthinkable happens. Both speakers reminded me that my Savior does love me and is holding me up during this time. Without Him, I don’t know what I would do.
That precious lady that was telling her story on the radio made many statements that I wrote down. But one stood out to me and keeps replaying in my mind. She said she heard Pastor Richard Exley say “We can hug our hurts and make a shrine out of our sorrows or we can offer them to God as a sacrifice of praise. The choice is ours.”
So here I am. It was not my choice to lose our baby. But what I do with the route God has placed me on IS my choice. I am NOT superwoman. I am NOT pushing this into the back of my mind. By no means do I declare myself healed. Even just this morning, songs that played on my i-pod brought me to a sobbing mess. But I lifted my hands and offered my sobs as a sacrifice.
Our life as a family will continue. We will grow stronger in our faith and learn to cherish one another more through this loss. My time with my Heavenly Father has become so precious to me. As my pastor said just yesterday, if my relationship with the Father is not right, my relationships with my family, friends, and even strangers will not be right. Matt and I have grown as a couple. I depend and rely on the strength of my husband and I hope he does on me. I have looked into the eyes of my children and cherished their cuddle time and hugs.
And I realized that the offering of my body as a living sacrifice means so much more too. I was not giving my best to God. I had become lazy and indifferent to my health. So here I go again, looking in the mirror at the “sacrifice” I’m offering to God. Where does He want me to go? What does He want me to do? Am I giving Him my best?
My daughter has been wanting to run a race like mom for a while now. Our church has a 5K/10K annually to raise money for missions. They include a 1 mile “fun run”. So Saturday, she and I did the 1 mile. Boy, am I out of shape! It was tough and she beat me hands down. As she ran ahead of me, she would glance back over her shoulder to make sure I was close by. I would give her a quick thumbs up to let her know that I was there and she would continue on. It reminded me that through the pain and the trials, when I felt like I couldn’t take a step or get up off the couch, God was giving me a “thumbs up”, reminding me He has been with me. He used His Word, pastors and speakers, dear friends and family. He has wrapped His arms around me, just like I did my little girl when I crossed the finish line to meet her. I pray that He is as proud of me as I complete the race He’s set before me, as I was of her in completing her race.
I have posted a link to the song God used this morning to remind me of who HE is and who I am: